I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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