Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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