im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
