I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
