You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
