dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
