Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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