Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
