well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
