We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
