Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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