On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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