True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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