YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
