I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
