And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
