did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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