If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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