i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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