god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
