1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
