i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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