he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
