How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
