if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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