the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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