Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
