are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pooping to opera.
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