You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
