You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
