I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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