Four minutes until I can fart!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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