I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
