Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
