This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
