Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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