Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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