The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
