Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
