YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
