Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
