I think I won the penis lottery.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
