i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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