I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
