So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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