I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
