dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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