oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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