She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
