I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
