I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
