do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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